Author: lovelightandbreastcancer

Chemo Day 1……

…………the fear of the unknown……..here I am sitting, 7 days since my very first chemotherapy session at Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia; grateful that I survived the past 7 days and for all of the prayers and well-wishes from everyone!

I must say that chemo was not what I expected.  You go into this infusion room and for some reason I just thought it would be completely different.  There were no windows (I found this very shocking considering the situation) but the atmosphere was more upbeat than expected.  There are chairs every few feet apart and nurses running around.  They have snacks…drinks….they give you gift bags with fun stuff like socks, chapstick, stuff to write on, journal books to write in…pens etc……  Looking around the room was interesting.  Some people were sleeping soundly….some with their headphones listening to something to pass the time…some were reading; others just speaking with nurses.

One thing….before entering that room….you check-in and they give you an old school pager so they can contact you when your infusion chair is ready.  Now, I am sorry but…..really?  I have to wait to go into this nightmare???  I go for my first day of chemo and it starts out with first giving blood to make sure you are ok to receive chemotherapy, then onto minor surgery to have a port put into your chest, sort of beneath your clavicle, and a nurse that is unable to find a vein for the IV (why not just put it in when they took blood 10 minutes prior?????) and then being told that because I am not 80 years old and heavy-set; that putting said port into my chest was more difficult than expected.  THEN to be finished with that, meet with my oncologist, whom I LOVE so that was a huge plus……and then off to chemo.  Luckily Stefano came with me…..God bless this man because he is such a trooper…..and we were able to have lunch BEFORE chemotherapy.  Apparently you should not have chemo without eating something……sorry…moving right along.

Finally, the beeper goes off.  YES A BEEPER.  We head back over to the infusion room and they are ready for me.   I was terrified and quite frankly I know Stefano was too.  The room was cold.  I really expected it to be different.  You would think they would find a place in the hospital with a view of at least a nice court yard with trees or something?  I sit in my seat which reclines.  This fabulous nurse brings me two heated blankets and I get comfortable.  This nurse Deb….she truly rocked!  She made me feel better.  I am guessing it was that obvious that I was scared to death and she kept saying things like “you need this to make you well and live a long life!” or “come on beautiful, you got this”.  Everything she said was positive.

And so the meds begin…..I expected to immediately feel burning in my body; or something.  I felt nothing.  Aside from fear….it was just a normal next two hours waiting for these drugs to enter my system.  I drank water….I spoke to Stefano and we laughed and it was just a normal day at that moment.  The red devil had to be administered directly into my IV, where as the other drugs went through IV via a bag.  This drug (Adriamycin) had to be administered from a separate  injection directly into my IV.  Interesting….it was injected over 5 minutes at a time….3 separate injections but carefully monitored.  All sorts of warnings all over these containers but it was done…carefully by Deb – took 15 minutes total….and that particular day, I lived through it.

I couldn’t wait to get out of there and get home.  Yet – I didn’t want to go home because I was so afraid of how sick I would be for the next 4 months of my life.  The rest of Thursday was ok, quiet  really but I took my meds religiously until Sunday night!  I slept most of the weekend away.  The exhaustion was overwhelming but I went with it.  My mother kept a close eye on my every second.  Checking for fever…making sure I was still breathing haha.

Friday and Saturday I was down for the count.  I think it was Saturday that I took the Zofran instead of the Compazine and it made me all sorts of weepy and crazy.  Yet, they gave it to me through my IV at the hospital a few times and I didn’t react to it.  Perhaps it wasn’t the Zofran at all…..and just me being weepy finally.  It’s a lot…the fear, the unknown, the feeling like this is never going to end.

I found myself constantly saying….”I just want to be normal” over and over again.  I also found myself being FURIOUS with the world around me.  Why does everyone else get to go about their business and go to work (and complain about it no less!!!!) and walk their dogs and do the normal things I used to do?  Why does everyone look GOOD and I feel like a truck hit me?  Well – I woke the hell up and realized….a few things actually……..

There are so many people going through SO much more worse than I am right now and I pray for them every single day that they can find the strength to make it through each MINUTE…..I may be sick…..round 2 of chemo can suck for me and I can be God FORBID horribly ill – but I am grateful for the fact that this is going to make me well and keep me around for many more years to come God willing…..and that I have an amazing family AND support system from people I haven’t even met yet…and that I got through the first “DAY” of chemo treatment….and wake up each day so thankful that I can get up out of bed with a smile.  I am thankful for my sister who makes sure she sees me every single day on FaceTime.  She is my human…she gives me my courage and strength.  My sister…Suzy…..I love you…..

Yesterday morning – I woke up STARVING.  It was almost ridiculous.  So…I did what any normal crazy person would do…ha ha….I made my sister text my mother to wake her up for me and I begged her to go to Perkins with me to stuff my face.  Well….that I did.  Brittney came with us (she bought us breakfast!!!) and I ate…you ready???…….scrambled eggs, french toast, breakfast potatoes, crisp bacon……apparently a picture was taken during this insane yumminess going on….and it looked like I was eating for 12.  It was SO good and it felt great to eat!!!!!

One more thing that has to be shared – I came home yesterday afternoon to a package from my very special friend (a beautiful woman – a pink warrior that shares the same battle as me) and a very close friend that my sister went to HS with…Jenn.  She sent me a goody package with all sorts of fun things in it:  false eyelashes AND eyebrows to name a few…and a beautiful card.  For every single thing Jenn – that you have done for me and sent to me and the strength and power you give me every single day- and the role model you are to Pink Warriors everywhere…THANK YOU.  I love you.

Cancer Sucks.  It is unbelievable how many people are dealing with this horrible disease but I pray every day that each “warrior” gets through it and NEVER GIVES UP because we truly are not alone.  NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.  Thanks for reading….love and light to EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU……xoxoxo

Two days to Chemo…the final countdown….

Well – here it is…two days away from something I dreaded since January 22 and prayed that I wouldn’t have to face!!  Chemotherapy….ugh!

Luckily, I have such amazing people in my life that have been through it (Jillian, Jenn and Janet, my angels)!  It’s the scariest thing though, I have to say.  It’s that typical unknown.  As I sit here wanting to go out and do 1 million things that I know I may not be able to do in the next months until chemo is over….I can’t help but try to plan for the next three months of my life.  Packing a chemo bag to have with me – contents including…ginger gum, a photo book with happy pictures of great times in my life; my ipad for music (what?  I happen to love listening to Pandora’s Pitch Perfect Radio…lol and then of course switching to Metallica radio for obvious reasons)….headphones so I don’t annoy the others in the infusion room with said music….my blankets from my Aunt Rose in Maui and my cousin Michele (the super grover blanket everyone wants) and snacks.  Just in case I get hungry?  Can’t imagine getting hungry…but it’s possible!

Let me send a shot out in the midst of this post…to Mr. John Deighan.  The reason he gets this shot out is because even before my cancer diagnosis..this man has been such a positive influence with my diet because he eats things you just wouldn’t expect anyone to consume normally (except the time he tried to kill me by giving me a cherry that I had an allergic reaction from LOL!)….and to this day, he is still giving me all the advice I need on what to eat and exactly where to get it….not to mention all the gifts over the past months of fabulous, healthy foods.  THANK YOU JCD.  Your positive energy and knowledge rocks…..

So – I will be updating this as often as I can…probably tomorrow night in the midst of getting my brain prepared for Thursday.  My husband is taking me out….tomorrow night…dinner and country line dancing!  HEYYYY!  We are going to have a blast!  I can’t wait!  One last hurrah until I can party like a rock star again.   Love and light…..today and always, my friends!!!!

 

March 24, 2016 – Surgery Day!

IMG_0449[1]I decided to go with the Double Mastectomy……I did not ever want to go through this again and as much as the fear consumed me….I was convinced that this was the solution. Double mastectomy with expanders/spacers to prepare for reconstruction!  OK….here we go.

My dad was already up from Florida and my mother flew in a week prior to my surgery.  Thank God for them as well…..it gave me so much peace!  My sister flew in the night before my surgery.  I was honestly terrified…..3 days before my surgery I came down with what we all thought was the flu.  I even had a fever, which NEVER happens!  We were all convinced that surgery wasn’t going to happen but with all that build-up to March 24th, it was going to happen if I had my way!  Sure enough, the night before, still feeling a bit crappy, I knew I’d be fine to proceed!  I posted a note on Facebook asking for prayers and positive energy.  The beautiful responses were beyond anything I could’ve imagined.  I was so grateful…I was given such strength and knew I was ready!

The morning of the 24th, I followed Stefano to the hotel where my sister was staying.  I picked her up (we did this to have two cars at the hospital) and I was very calm.  Strangely calm….I went into the holding area at the hospital.  The nurse gave me a gown and hooked up my IV.  Stefano & Sue were right there with me, thank God.  I still was very calm….peaceful about what was about to happen.  By the way, I expected to be a complete wreck and it was quite the opposite!  I remember looking at Sue and my husband was holding my hand…..I remember seeing the lights in the operating room….I remember asking my doctor if I could have the mint in his mouth lol….I remember waking up in recovery and having  a lot of energy.  No pain, I didn’t feel sick or scared!  Completely surreal.  I remember waking up again outside of my hospital room (private room for the day/night!)….and asking for Sue and Stefano.  Then I woke up again lol, (lots of dozing off!) and they were there!  I even drank tea, got up and went to the bathroom myself….all beyond what I thought would be the case.

Stefano went home and took care of the dogs and Sue stayed over night with me.  We didn’t get much sleep because I was full of energy……the next morning…ha ha, not so much.  Let me just say  this:  the amount of energy you use being petrified of a double mastectomy is almost unnecessary.  If you have a fabulous team and in your heart trust them….please, trust them and remember to breathe and have faith..

The next morning, a new patient came into share my room with me.  I apologize for being rude but the family of that poor woman!  They were loud, rude, had their tv blasting and were just mean.  It was horrible.  Stefano and Brittney were with me at this point (Brittney is my step-daughter).  They left and Sue came back (she had left to go rest and shower at her hotel).  The minute she came back, she got me discharged and out of there.  I was freaking out because I had just had surgery not even 24 hours prior and couldn’t even imagine not being where I felt safe.  I completely trust her though…..and was so happy I did.  She took me to the hotel…carefully lol and I was cranky as hell due to lack of sleep and the pain starting to set in.  Again, this pain was nothing like I expected.  It was completely manageable!  I was shocked.  The moment we go to the hotel (by the way, my sister, 110 lbs soaking wet got a wheelchair and wheeled me by herself to the car while carrying my belongings (meds, clothes, papers etc)….she’s a legend that one…..

When we go to the hotel, I rested…hard.  I slept and was the most comfortable I had been in a long time.  The room was cold ahhh, she propped me up in the bed with pillows and I was done, out cold….it ROCKED!

She even went and got me pasta….those things are blurry….I don’t remember much but I will apologize one more time for being cranky my sista!!!  The next morning I woke up like a new person.  I had pain, yes, but it was nothing like I thought it would have been.  She drove me to my house where my awesome family had balloons, flowers, signs and the reclining couch all ready for me.  By the way, GROVER was holding my balloons.  AWESOME!  And the recovery period begins………

 

January, 2016 – The Beginning…

In January, 2016, on any other normal morning before work, I found it.  I found what has significantly changed my life and the lives of those I love…..a lump on my right breast.  Of course, the panic set in immediately, but the interesting factor was that it was painful.  “Cancer doesn’t hurt”…I have heard this so many times that I truly did not think that I had anything to be concerned about.  But…off to the doctor I went!

I saw my OBGYN and he was convinced it was absolutely nothing but to be safe, he sent me to radiology for an ultrasound.  I was a little nervous but my doctor was so reassuring that it was nothing!  The technician took what seemed like ONE picture and left the room. Of course, that seemed strange and disturbing but I still didn’t think much of it.  A minute later the technician and the radiologist appeared.  I was told by the radiologist that they do not like what they see and that I need a biopsy.  It is quite possible that I went deaf and blind momentarily…..

Every emotion went through me at that very moment.  I left that office that day with absolutely zero clue of what to do with myself, so I did what I do best – I called my sister Suzanne!!!  Of course, she immediately reassured me that all would be fine EITHER WAY and I calmed down.  So I thought….

In typical fashion for me – I called my husband and he immediately said he wanted to meet me for lunch.  We went to P.F. Changs and the second our eyes met when he walked in, I lost it.  “It” being every emotion I didn’t even know existed came out.  He was perfect.  Amazing even.  You never truly realize someone’s strengths and weaknesses until possible tragedy strikes.  By the time I left that restaurant, all was good in the world again.

I went down to Florida to be with my sister and my parents before my biopsy.  GREAT decision!  Great time and a lot of laughter; just what I needed!

January 20 – the day of the biopsy.  My husband Stefano took me and I was a wreck!  I was terrified of the unknown for sure.  Let’s just say, the biopsy was scary and the effects on my body were definitely interesting but I survived and was completely convinced it was nothing!

January 22, 2016 at 12:10 pm – I got the phone call from my OBGYN!  He called, I was happy to hear his voice.  Mind you, I was getting ready and packed to go away with Stefano for the weekend and we were really excited!  I even said “HI DOC!!”.  And then I heard his voice, his tone….his sadness – genuine sadness.  “Nancy, I’m sorry – the results came back and you have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma”.  At that very moment, I went numb but was not really sure what that meant.  WHAT THE HELL IS INVASIVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA, I thought!  “Dr. – what does that mean?  Do I have cancer?”, I asked.  “Yes, I am so sorry, Nancy.  I would’ve bet my house and life on it that it was not cancer”, he said.

I hung up on him, I think.  I still don’t remember.  I sent a text to my sister telling her I needed her.  She called.  I told her.  When we hung up…I went outside on my back porch and cried ( I am not an emotional person that way – I don’t cry much…..I laugh a lot more and smile most of the time, luckily) – I cried loudly, from a place I didn’t know existed.

I called my best friend, Stephanie.  I called my husband and told him I needed him to come home.  I crawled up in a ball with my three dogs in my bedroom and just cried.  Once Stefano got home…I cried for another 30 minutes on his chest and was told I needed to go pick up my pathology report (they wouldn’t fax it to me or email it to me, jerks!).  So, I went to my OBGYN’s office and picked it up alone.  I cancelled my trip to Mountain Creek…..we had a huge snow storm and I came to terms with the fact that I had cancer.

Phew…..my sister Sue….my angel, rock, inspiration and warrior!  She wasted NO time.  While I was numb and going with the flow – she called Cancer Centers….she was on the internet 24/7; she didn’t sleep or eat.  She was a source of knowledge better than any doctor, book, website or old-school encyclopedia could  have been for me…..

In the meantime – my husband and I visit a local oncologist.  She told me the worst news.  She told me she was immediately having me get an intense dose of chemotherapy for 4 months or so (I think, don’t quote me!) and I was beside myself.  It didn’t make sense. My tumor was grade 3, stage 1 (1.9 cm).  Why did I need chemotherapy first?  She said it was standard practice.  It was terrifying.

A week later, (February 4) Sue, Stefano and I headed to another cancer center in NJ.  The news was pretty much the same.  We had one more appointment for the following day at another cancer center in PA, but I was not even up for going….I had my second opinion.  There was no need to hear this bad news one more time……

We decided to go anyway!  It was snowing like crazy when we left that morning….but let me say, it was meant for us to go.  We went to Fox Chase Cancer Center – my saving grace!  I met with Dr. Richard Bleicher……and his team.  AMAZING.  They felt Chemotherapy was NOT the way to go to start with….and we scheduled my surgery for March 24, 2016.  When I left there, when WE left there – we all felt relieved…sure of our decision and just….as if we could finally breathe.  My sister slept that afternoon…..for the first time in weeks.  It was a great feeling!  I was unsure of what I was going to do (double mastectomy or just a lumpectomy with radiation) at that point, but knew the answers would come…….

I returned to work that Monday and had a different feeling about everything.  Yes, I was afraid of what was to come, but I was confident about Fox Chase and that made me feel GOOD!  I continued living every single day as if nothing was wrong with me….and it was wonderful!  In my heart I was fully aware that I had breast cancer…I needed surgery to get rid of it but I knew I was strong enough to do this!  And so it began……