Author: lovelightandbreastcancer

And..here I am.  Just got back from a 2 week trip to Italy and remembered just how grateful I am to be two years out!  It’s amazing how your mind works…

The last time I went to Italy – Cancer was the last thing on my mind.  It was 2015, my first trip to Europe and I was a different person.  This time…I looked at things a bit differently.

There was, first, the fear of leaving the U.S.  Being away from home.  I was afraid…a fear I’m not used to feeling!

Then, there was just a renewed energy when I arrived in Pisa.  It was a great trip and I didn’t want to leave.  

I get back to the US and the thoughts that I thought were just a weird, temporary thing….came back.  The wake up at 3:00 am every morning with the thoughts that cancer is back…somewhere in my body.   The “if I ate better, worked out more, removed some unnecessary stress from my life” thoughts in the middle of the night that just consume me…..  I never would’ve thought that 2 years out of chemo, this would go on.  But it’s real and I wish it would go away……..and then……

After a great conversation with my sister…as usual….I feel better.  She basically told me that she would feel the exact same way…probably every day for the rest of her life, if she had gone through what I did.  Her words brought me peace and made me feel normal again.  

The reality is that I live each day happy.  I love life…before cancer and now….and I won’t let that beat me…ever.  

Cancer doesn’t discriminate…..to anyone going through it..NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE. Stay positive and do not give it the power.  Stay strong!  FIGHT!  OH, and eat cucumbers.  Lots of cucumbers…..(remove the seeds if they bother your belly!)…..

Sending you love and light..always.  And a shout out to my love Jill…my peaceful warrior….stay strong beautiful lady…..I LOVE YOU!

 

Well hello there!  I made it past my one year cancerversary on Jan 22, the day I was diagnosed a year ago…..my hair is growing in like crazy (and by crazy I mean….insanely with a mind of its own!) and for the most part, I am living life like nothing happened.  Deep down, there are often times where I suddenly am overcome with fear.  Fear – what if it comes back, is it already back, why does my leg hurt (can’t be because I slammed it when walking past the table lol), on and on….fear comes and goes.  I try very hard to just let it go and live in the moment.

The weight gain, hot flashes, short boy-hair will hopefully become a thing of the past because this isn’t about vanity, right?  No – all the things you go through with this cycle, things you never think you will get through, you, in fact, do.  The diagnosis, the surgery, the fear of chemo, the actual chemo, the side effects, the horrible foggy feeling in your brain, chemo ending which causes more fear, more surgery….all of it…. Allowing yourself to be sad when you need to be is fine, but finding the end of the rainbow and getting up and doing with a great attitude is what saves you.  There is hope.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  You have to visualize it and pray it’s there because you will see, it does exist!

5 1/2 months later, I never, ever thought I’d be here.  I am grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY for every person in my life that got me through this.  I am grateful to be here and to be able to talk about this.  I just wanted to say hello and thank you for reading my blog.  Love and light to everyone!

Ok – it’s been a while!  Here I am – 6 days away from surgery – thinking of all the things I am grateful for…….but – I have to add in here that wow, things are changing!

For instance – my hair is growing back.  I AM SO GRATEFUL but it’s growing back everywhere and my skin is not right.  The hair on my legs, while it was really nice to not have to shave them and I certainly did not miss the hair, it made me feel good to have it back.  BUT the rest of my body is reacting very strangely.  My arms, stomach, back, face, you name it…it’s rough, it’s itchy…it’s no fun!  My eyebrows came back over night and that was so exciting.  My eyelashes, which I missed the absolute most, are in but very short…but they are there!

For anyone that is going through this (or already has and is done)…..I am sure you can relate to this strange activity!

So – surgery is in 6 days.  I am afraid, excited….too many emotions to list.  This will be my second “real” surgery and I truly have fear.  YET, I’m excited to get this part over with as well.

I visited with a nutritionist…..it was interesting.  He basically told me that my weight was good (I disagreed as I gained 10 lbs with this whole ordeal) and that I need to have protein with every meal…along with 2 or 3 vegetables with lunch and dinner.  Oh, and no oatmeal.  HA!  I eat oatmeal every day for breakfast while I’m working.  He feels an egg white delight or egg McMuffin would be better for me.  Interesting.

I had a breakdown…finally.  I went to Fox Chase last Friday to meet with my breast surgeon after 6 months (can’t believe how fast time went by!) and had to meet with the pre-op team for my surgery.  Well, let’s just say once I started sobbing, it took me a pretty long time to stop.  No rhyme or reason…just lost it and couldn’t control it.  So I rolled with it.  Since I’m not much of a weepy person normally, these new-found emotions are a bit strange!

I will post again after my surgery.  Just wanted to update my blog.  Thanks for reading!!!

Well, the day came and went!  August 19th, the day I waited for since I found out I needed 8 rounds of chemotherapy!  I rang the bell – I did it.  I survived.

I have to just say that Taxol was a nightmare compared to AC.  AC was bad, but Taxol causes the most pain any person should have to endure.  It was/is horrible.  Here I am….5 days since my final chemo and the pain is so horrific.  Now – please note that most oncologists recommend doing 12 weekly taxol infusions; I had 4 infusions, every other week and I believe this is much worse from what I was told….each infusion for me equals 3 doses of Taxol.  It is, also, 100% cumulative.  With Taxol, you can’t say that each infusion will be like the last because it isn’t.  The first 3 were bad but this last one is off the charts.

I went to work today.  I tried and as I was putting on my big girl pants this morning, I had zero desire to face the day because I had pain.  Pain in my hands, feet, toes, fingers, jaw, mouth, gums, ears, knees, ankles but the worst pain is in my shins.  MY SHINS?  How is that even normal?  Someone, please tell me.

All and all, I have to tell anyone going through or about to go through any sort of chemotherapy that it is the scariest thing….but if you have a good, positive attitude, you truly can conquer anything.  I didn’t believe that to be true but I am living proof that that is the absolute truth.  I got myself up every day…even when I didn’t want to (and most days I DID want to thankfully)…..I got dressed, I went for a walk with my dogs, a ride on the motorcycle or a ride around the block in the car…..I did things to keep myself positive and active.  OH, one thing I need to stress with Taxol – keep active.  You will want to crawl up in a ball with the strongest pain killers and try to pretend the pain isn’t happening.  I can tell you as I type this – staying active saved me.  YOU CAN’T LET THIS GET YOU DOWN or take you down…..or beat you.  You are here to survive this and beat this…..and you CAN AND WILL DO IT.  My friend Janet said a few times “You have Cancer – Cancer does NOT have you”…….You will have days when you feel like all you can do is sleep.  SLEEP, by all means, but when you can get up, do so and go for a walk.

I have 5 eyelashes on my left eye as of today.  I counted 4 just now on my right eye.  Last week I had none.  These are the things I am grateful for.  I am grateful to be here; to have beaten effin cancer and to have conquered chemotherapy.  I was tough most days and on the days I couldn’t be tough, I had someone (either my sister, husband, mother, father, bff, cousin…..or Jill, Cassie or Janet) to make me tough…get me through the bad times.  I know how blessed I am to be where I am today. I will admit, I am having a pretty good pity party at the moment because the pain is truly off the charts…..and tomorrow I fly to Florida to see my sister and my nephew, and to see the gulf of mexico and swim, and regroup.  I am afraid….afraid to fly (what if the pressure on the flight makes something hurt?)…afraid to leave my home, my safe haven, all because of habit.  The habit of doing the same thing on a weekly basis…either chemotherapy or the plastic surgeon for expander fills – these are habits that need to be broken and I welcome the challenge!  I can’t wait to lay my body in the gulf of mexico and look to the sky and thank the universe for where I am today.

I was sad today to really discover that summer is almost over. The realization that I spent my summer going to Fox Chase every week and feeling not so great was overwhelming….then I realized how thankful I am that it’s mostly over.  Sure, I have my implant surgery at the end of September or so…..yet another stepping stone to being done with this damn cancer….but the fact that chemo has ended and GOD WILLING will never need to happen again is amazing.  I am afraid of so many things – and I look forward to meeting with an outstanding nutritionist so I can be sure I stay healthy….

I heard from a lot of people that were going through this or went through this that you realize how many people are your true friends….and you also realize that the people you thought were true friends, aren’t.  It’s amazing how your perspective changes.  Mine has and it changed for the better in so many ways.  I made some very special, lifetime friends because of this horrible disease and I am so grateful to have them in my life.  Jill is my warrior and she prepared me for everything I was about to go through and she was honest. Janet was going through chemo before me and while I was and it was so helpful to have someone that understood and I could vent to.  Then there is Cassie.  Cassie is my very special friend from Mississippi.  She started chemo after me but for a period of time we went through it together.  WHAT A WARRIOR this woman is!  Yet another blessing for me and I am so lucky to have this special group of friends now.

Thank you to every single person that reads my blog.  Thank you for being there for me….the outpouring of love and support is beyond overwhelming.  Last Friday, my last chemo day, I had four very special guests show up.  Normally it’s just me and Stefano.  Stefano is my rock through all this craziness and scary infusions but last week….Stephanie, my best friend since we are 16; Michele, my cousin; my mother and father…..when they showed up….it became real.  That was the day I could walk out of Fox Chase and say that I did it.  I made it through chemo.  Now – it’s all about healing..  January 22 changed my life forever.  March 24th was nothing compared to starting chemo on May 5th.  When I was told I needed chemo and was devastated…..August 19th looked like a lifetime away.  And here I am…….grateful and thankful.

Well – last Friday (7/22) was my 6th chemo treatment out of 8!  I can’t even believe it……

I sit here, two days later and have interesting pain but what is truly shocking to me is this: with all of the hair loss on my body during my first 4 rounds – I was lucky enough to keep my eyelashes and eyebrows!  Fascinating really considering I lost every other ounce of hair…..well – I was lucky while that lasted.  As of today, my eyebrows are basically gone and my eyelashes are following suit.  I actually thought that losing my hair would be traumatizing, yet it wasn’t so bad!  This?  This is worse to me.  No eyelashes or eyebrows?  NOW?  Well, like everything else this cancer and chemo has dealt to me, it is what it is and I can’t do anything about it.  I have TWO MORE LEFT!  TWO.  Finished by Aug 19th…..

When I went to see the dr. last Friday, they felt that because I had issues with neuropathy in my hands and feet – that it could be permanent in some cases and perhaps I should switch my treatments from every other week, to weekly. I, like anyone else so close to the end of this treatment would have reacted, said absolutely not.  That would extend my treatments into September.  NO THANK YOU!  Now, of course, being rational in some aspects (lol) if I did, in fact, suffer from neuropathy I would then consider it, but I’d much rather just plow through this and be done with it.  Quite frankly, I AM DONE with this crap already.

Of course, then the fear sets in of what is to come.  Will I spend my days worried the cancer will come back?  No, of course now, right?  That is no way to live, is it?  I think every single person that has faced this disgusting sickness is haunted by that very thought……will it come back and when?  It’s scary and unfair for anyone of any age to have to fear this……but it’s there and how we chose to live is up to us!  So, I chose to live each day the way I am now…..to the fullest, with love, light and a ton of positive energy surrounding me.  Not to much to ask……..

Today I feel grateful, as always but my teeth hurt….my feet hurt, my joints, my fingers, even my chin.  MY CHIN….you just don’t know what pain you will feel in the next minute because that is how quickly it comes up but again…TWO MORE TO GO!  I can’t even stand it….

Thank you to all that read this…..just for taking the time.  These rants are basically for me to look back on God willing some day to remember exactly the path I was on…..and how hard I fought, or didn’t fight on a particular day but most of all, this blog is for those of you that might have to face this horrible situation…and I hope that I can be of help…help to get through this with a positive attitude – while being armed from someone that has been through it!  Sending my love…as always.

Well – I had a fabulous 3 weeks off from chemo before starting Taxol – and I got spoiled . It felt great to feel great again!  I had Stephanie’s wedding and all the festivities leading up to it, and let me say that I truly felt fabulous. There was a little fatigue but nothing major enough to stop me from having a great time!  I loved every minute of it and truly loved NOT having to go for chemo!

So here I am, last Friday (Jul 8) heading to Fox Chase for my 5th infusion of 8 infusions……dreading it yet excited that I am at the home stretch….and quite frankly, it’s shocking how long this infusion actually took.  My AC infusions were 90 minutes…..Taxol is 5 hours!  FIVE HOURS!  It was insane.  My husband is a saint…he stayed with me through the entire thing; so grateful for him on so many levels……

The infusion takes that long because there could be severe allergic reactions to this medication.  Apparently, it can be quite dangerous.  I was lucky but I found that I was extremely anxious and agitated while I sat there (and this was before they even started the taxol infusion).  So – the nice nurse slipped me some Ativan…..and off to sleep I went.  It made me relax enough and I felt human.  The “tightness” I experienced in my entire body after AC did not happen this time.  I just felt tired.

That night and the following day wasn’t so bad.  Sunday (two days later) though????  Severe body pains……everywhere.  My toes hurt; fingers, hips, muscles (I think) in my legs I had no idea existed, my teeth, jaw, just pain.  It’s a pain I can’t describe really…….an ache that just lingers.  BUT – I would take this aching over nausea any day.  I find it difficult to fall asleep.  I am sweating ALL DAY LONG.  My body feels like a constant furnace.  Thrown into early menopause – wondering if I will ever sleep all night again – I can’t help but be grateful for the fact that AC is done and I am now at THREE MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS TO GO!  So – the light at the end of the tunnel tells me – yes, there is pain right now (even my kneecaps hurt!!) but I am almost done with this and I am excited about it!

My mother has been here with me since mid-March.  She has gone home for ONE week back to Florida where she lives, in her beautiful home and has a ton of friends – but has chosen selflessly to stay here with me through this nightmare……and she is leaving this Sunday for a bit.  I am relieved for her…..just to have some normalcy in her life again. I am afraid of her not being here but that is only because I am now spoiled.  She makes me laugh; she sings – she helps me smile every day and I am actually really happy for her to go home and have some peace away from this!  There aren’t enough “thank yous” in the world……to express how much I appreciate everything she has done for me…again, selflessly and unconditionally.  But Mom – I love you and I thank you for every single thing you did for me every single day, especially when I needed you the most and didn’t even know it!

Now onto my father – who has been here as well and now is taking on the task of being with me through my next three chemo’s while Stefano is at work!  God help the man!  I can be a bit of a baby some days when I don’t feel well……but I still force myself to get up and go about my day regardless.  We will have fun and Stefano has a pal here to keep him occupied when I can’t!  I love you Dad!

My sister – WHO I CAN’T EVEN WAIT TO SEE!  When this mess is over – I am taking some days and flying down to see you – to hit the beach and float in the gulf……and laugh our asses off…..at all the past 8 1/2 months has thrown at us.

Enough of the mushy stuff – back to chemo….so today is day 4 and I still do have the body aches but they are manageable.   I will get through this and I will come out in the end stronger than ever!  Thank you to every single person for your support.  Your cards, messages, etc. have helped me so much (it may be nothing to you, but to me it means the world)……

Stefano – my love, my rock, my world…..I adore you and thank you for every single thing you do for me – your patience, your love, your strength when I have zero, the rides to just get me away from it all and “escape” and just for being you.  I love you……

Hello again – just when you think things will remain the same as before, you get thrown for a loop!  Here I was, expecting my last of the AC chemo treatment to go as planned….not many issues, typical nausea and exhaustion but this?  No, this was completely different.  This one hit me harder than the others.  Depression, nausea, exhaustion, nausea, more exhaustion…..more nausea, it’s like a vicious cycle that you can’t break.  Now – I refuse to complain much because I know just how difficult others have it and I consider myself lucky to be able to even be able to be typing this to you right now…..but my goodness, this weekend was rough!

I have a three-week break until my next chemo on July 8th and I am really excited. It’s amazing what I get excited about these days.  Each morning I wake up and cringe while waiting to see how I feel…..in a few days, I am praying I feel back to normal for the most part.  My sister, Suzy, my cheerleader, constantly reminds me……”you will be ok in a few days”, yet I have a difficult time believing those words when I feel like I want to throw in the towel and give up.  Thank God for her….my husband and my parents – seriously.  Their patience is remarkable.

So, now I have my best friend’s wedding on July 2nd.  Maid of Honor…yep, that’s me.  Now, a year ago when we discussed this wedding, obviously life was “normal”.  I didn’t have to wear a wig to her wedding, I would feel great and all would be beautiful in the world.  Well, this will be a bit different but I am praying that I will feel great and be the best maid of honor I can be for Stephanie.  I am really excited about it though – and just want to feel “normal”.  Let’s talk about wigs for a moment, shall we?

So I have a few wigs at this point.  My first wig – $3800 – and I barely can stand to wear it.  It’s all natural hair blah blah blah but doesn’t make me feel special.  It makes me feel like I am wearing a wig.  The kicker is…..thank GOD my insurance covered it for me, but this wig is the closest thing to what my “hair” pre-chemo looked like and I don’t like wearing it.  The other two, forget it….they make me feel like 1982 called and Jaclyn Smith wants her hair back….then there is my favorite…..my absolute life saving wig….my sister bought for me.  It’s a halo.  Yes, exactly what it sounds like….it goes around your head and the hair hangs normally but doesn’t cover the top of you head, so you have to wear a hat…any hat.  AND IT LOOKS AMAZING!  Best, gift….EVER.   Did I mention it’s blonde?  Yes!

So today is day 4 since my last chemo and I am starting to feel a bit human again.  The nausea creeps up on me from time to time but I am just happy to have this three week break.  I make it sound scary, which I truly try not to, but it is scary, all of this.  I can’t wait for it to be over.  As usual, thanks for listening (reading).  xoxoxoxo

 

Chemo treatment 2…..NOT SO GREAT!   This will be short but there are a few things I want to remember and hey, this is my blog, right?

I woke up not feeling well today.  “You will not have your menstrual cycle, most likely, ever again, Nancy” the doctors and infusion nurses told me.  Yeah….ok.  That started Monday but of course by today, I feel my worst.  So when I woke up this morning, it was the first day in exactly 10 days that I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed.  Perhaps partially anticipatory, I get it, but I just felt sick.  But I did get up, I did shower, I did jump in the car with Stefano and head to Fox Chase for my blood work, friendly visit with the Physician’s Assistant Zach – and in for my infusion.

The minute I sat down in the infusion room, I told my husband I wanted to leave.  The amount of pressure this poor man has to deal with is unreal.  I HATE having to put him and everyone else around me through this.  My mother is just incredible, by the way.  That woman cleaned the entire house including every single thing in my bedroom (linens, sheets, laundry) so that I could come home and get right into bed.  She is just amazing and I hope that anyone that knows her will tell her so, for me, for themselves for being blessed to know this incredible woman and that she knows just how special she is.  To avoid putting the people I love around me in a situation where they see I am not feeling well, I do what I do best…..I smile……and I live life mostly happily.  I walk the dogs; I go shopping; I sing lol and I put lip gloss on.  Today?  Not so much.

Back to the infusion room….I took Tylenol….I had my steroid and lovely anti-nausea cocktail consisting of Aloxi and Emend.  The first infusion was a walk in the park.  I now know this….because today I was weepy….and totally down the entire time.  But here I am…..I just took compazine and might even be daring and take a Xanax or even better, ativan to sleep.

Oh, one more fun thing…..the hair loss; it’s real, it’s here…it is happening NOW.

Here’s my rant and then I promise to be finished:

You get diagnosed with breast cancer after a lump YOU found yourself and truly believed was nothing because it hurt and “cancer doesn’t hurt”…yeah…ok.  THEN, you have the biopsy…..get diagnosed with those horrible 3 words…..you go see endless doctors until you find the team you trust.  I was blessed with my team.  THEN – you have surgery, go through that trauma of a double mastectomy but hey, you handle it like a champ! 🙂 and find out you need to have 8 sessions of chemo……2 sessions down as of today – 25% done lol and the hair is now falling out and I feel nauseous as hell even though I took all my meds just like two weeks ago.  THIS ENTIRE EFFIN PROCESS SUCKS AND IS UNFAIR AS HELL and I need to get it off my……I’ll say it..chest.  Thanks for reading……sorry – I promise the positive attitude WILL be back in a few days.  xoxoxo