Well, the day came and went! August 19th, the day I waited for since I found out I needed 8 rounds of chemotherapy! I rang the bell – I did it. I survived.
I have to just say that Taxol was a nightmare compared to AC. AC was bad, but Taxol causes the most pain any person should have to endure. It was/is horrible. Here I am….5 days since my final chemo and the pain is so horrific. Now – please note that most oncologists recommend doing 12 weekly taxol infusions; I had 4 infusions, every other week and I believe this is much worse from what I was told….each infusion for me equals 3 doses of Taxol. It is, also, 100% cumulative. With Taxol, you can’t say that each infusion will be like the last because it isn’t. The first 3 were bad but this last one is off the charts.
I went to work today. I tried and as I was putting on my big girl pants this morning, I had zero desire to face the day because I had pain. Pain in my hands, feet, toes, fingers, jaw, mouth, gums, ears, knees, ankles but the worst pain is in my shins. MY SHINS? How is that even normal? Someone, please tell me.
All and all, I have to tell anyone going through or about to go through any sort of chemotherapy that it is the scariest thing….but if you have a good, positive attitude, you truly can conquer anything. I didn’t believe that to be true but I am living proof that that is the absolute truth. I got myself up every day…even when I didn’t want to (and most days I DID want to thankfully)…..I got dressed, I went for a walk with my dogs, a ride on the motorcycle or a ride around the block in the car…..I did things to keep myself positive and active. OH, one thing I need to stress with Taxol – keep active. You will want to crawl up in a ball with the strongest pain killers and try to pretend the pain isn’t happening. I can tell you as I type this – staying active saved me. YOU CAN’T LET THIS GET YOU DOWN or take you down…..or beat you. You are here to survive this and beat this…..and you CAN AND WILL DO IT. My friend Janet said a few times “You have Cancer – Cancer does NOT have you”…….You will have days when you feel like all you can do is sleep. SLEEP, by all means, but when you can get up, do so and go for a walk.
I have 5 eyelashes on my left eye as of today. I counted 4 just now on my right eye. Last week I had none. These are the things I am grateful for. I am grateful to be here; to have beaten effin cancer and to have conquered chemotherapy. I was tough most days and on the days I couldn’t be tough, I had someone (either my sister, husband, mother, father, bff, cousin…..or Jill, Cassie or Janet) to make me tough…get me through the bad times. I know how blessed I am to be where I am today. I will admit, I am having a pretty good pity party at the moment because the pain is truly off the charts…..and tomorrow I fly to Florida to see my sister and my nephew, and to see the gulf of mexico and swim, and regroup. I am afraid….afraid to fly (what if the pressure on the flight makes something hurt?)…afraid to leave my home, my safe haven, all because of habit. The habit of doing the same thing on a weekly basis…either chemotherapy or the plastic surgeon for expander fills – these are habits that need to be broken and I welcome the challenge! I can’t wait to lay my body in the gulf of mexico and look to the sky and thank the universe for where I am today.
I was sad today to really discover that summer is almost over. The realization that I spent my summer going to Fox Chase every week and feeling not so great was overwhelming….then I realized how thankful I am that it’s mostly over. Sure, I have my implant surgery at the end of September or so…..yet another stepping stone to being done with this damn cancer….but the fact that chemo has ended and GOD WILLING will never need to happen again is amazing. I am afraid of so many things – and I look forward to meeting with an outstanding nutritionist so I can be sure I stay healthy….
I heard from a lot of people that were going through this or went through this that you realize how many people are your true friends….and you also realize that the people you thought were true friends, aren’t. It’s amazing how your perspective changes. Mine has and it changed for the better in so many ways. I made some very special, lifetime friends because of this horrible disease and I am so grateful to have them in my life. Jill is my warrior and she prepared me for everything I was about to go through and she was honest. Janet was going through chemo before me and while I was and it was so helpful to have someone that understood and I could vent to. Then there is Cassie. Cassie is my very special friend from Mississippi. She started chemo after me but for a period of time we went through it together. WHAT A WARRIOR this woman is! Yet another blessing for me and I am so lucky to have this special group of friends now.
Thank you to every single person that reads my blog. Thank you for being there for me….the outpouring of love and support is beyond overwhelming. Last Friday, my last chemo day, I had four very special guests show up. Normally it’s just me and Stefano. Stefano is my rock through all this craziness and scary infusions but last week….Stephanie, my best friend since we are 16; Michele, my cousin; my mother and father…..when they showed up….it became real. That was the day I could walk out of Fox Chase and say that I did it. I made it through chemo. Now – it’s all about healing.. January 22 changed my life forever. March 24th was nothing compared to starting chemo on May 5th. When I was told I needed chemo and was devastated…..August 19th looked like a lifetime away. And here I am…….grateful and thankful.
lovelightandbreastcancer 