Chemo Day 1……

…………the fear of the unknown……..here I am sitting, 7 days since my very first chemotherapy session at Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia; grateful that I survived the past 7 days and for all of the prayers and well-wishes from everyone!

I must say that chemo was not what I expected.  You go into this infusion room and for some reason I just thought it would be completely different.  There were no windows (I found this very shocking considering the situation) but the atmosphere was more upbeat than expected.  There are chairs every few feet apart and nurses running around.  They have snacks…drinks….they give you gift bags with fun stuff like socks, chapstick, stuff to write on, journal books to write in…pens etc……  Looking around the room was interesting.  Some people were sleeping soundly….some with their headphones listening to something to pass the time…some were reading; others just speaking with nurses.

One thing….before entering that room….you check-in and they give you an old school pager so they can contact you when your infusion chair is ready.  Now, I am sorry but…..really?  I have to wait to go into this nightmare???  I go for my first day of chemo and it starts out with first giving blood to make sure you are ok to receive chemotherapy, then onto minor surgery to have a port put into your chest, sort of beneath your clavicle, and a nurse that is unable to find a vein for the IV (why not just put it in when they took blood 10 minutes prior?????) and then being told that because I am not 80 years old and heavy-set; that putting said port into my chest was more difficult than expected.  THEN to be finished with that, meet with my oncologist, whom I LOVE so that was a huge plus……and then off to chemo.  Luckily Stefano came with me…..God bless this man because he is such a trooper…..and we were able to have lunch BEFORE chemotherapy.  Apparently you should not have chemo without eating something……sorry…moving right along.

Finally, the beeper goes off.  YES A BEEPER.  We head back over to the infusion room and they are ready for me.   I was terrified and quite frankly I know Stefano was too.  The room was cold.  I really expected it to be different.  You would think they would find a place in the hospital with a view of at least a nice court yard with trees or something?  I sit in my seat which reclines.  This fabulous nurse brings me two heated blankets and I get comfortable.  This nurse Deb….she truly rocked!  She made me feel better.  I am guessing it was that obvious that I was scared to death and she kept saying things like “you need this to make you well and live a long life!” or “come on beautiful, you got this”.  Everything she said was positive.

And so the meds begin…..I expected to immediately feel burning in my body; or something.  I felt nothing.  Aside from fear….it was just a normal next two hours waiting for these drugs to enter my system.  I drank water….I spoke to Stefano and we laughed and it was just a normal day at that moment.  The red devil had to be administered directly into my IV, where as the other drugs went through IV via a bag.  This drug (Adriamycin) had to be administered from a separate  injection directly into my IV.  Interesting….it was injected over 5 minutes at a time….3 separate injections but carefully monitored.  All sorts of warnings all over these containers but it was done…carefully by Deb – took 15 minutes total….and that particular day, I lived through it.

I couldn’t wait to get out of there and get home.  Yet – I didn’t want to go home because I was so afraid of how sick I would be for the next 4 months of my life.  The rest of Thursday was ok, quiet  really but I took my meds religiously until Sunday night!  I slept most of the weekend away.  The exhaustion was overwhelming but I went with it.  My mother kept a close eye on my every second.  Checking for fever…making sure I was still breathing haha.

Friday and Saturday I was down for the count.  I think it was Saturday that I took the Zofran instead of the Compazine and it made me all sorts of weepy and crazy.  Yet, they gave it to me through my IV at the hospital a few times and I didn’t react to it.  Perhaps it wasn’t the Zofran at all…..and just me being weepy finally.  It’s a lot…the fear, the unknown, the feeling like this is never going to end.

I found myself constantly saying….”I just want to be normal” over and over again.  I also found myself being FURIOUS with the world around me.  Why does everyone else get to go about their business and go to work (and complain about it no less!!!!) and walk their dogs and do the normal things I used to do?  Why does everyone look GOOD and I feel like a truck hit me?  Well – I woke the hell up and realized….a few things actually……..

There are so many people going through SO much more worse than I am right now and I pray for them every single day that they can find the strength to make it through each MINUTE…..I may be sick…..round 2 of chemo can suck for me and I can be God FORBID horribly ill – but I am grateful for the fact that this is going to make me well and keep me around for many more years to come God willing…..and that I have an amazing family AND support system from people I haven’t even met yet…and that I got through the first “DAY” of chemo treatment….and wake up each day so thankful that I can get up out of bed with a smile.  I am thankful for my sister who makes sure she sees me every single day on FaceTime.  She is my human…she gives me my courage and strength.  My sister…Suzy…..I love you…..

Yesterday morning – I woke up STARVING.  It was almost ridiculous.  So…I did what any normal crazy person would do…ha ha….I made my sister text my mother to wake her up for me and I begged her to go to Perkins with me to stuff my face.  Well….that I did.  Brittney came with us (she bought us breakfast!!!) and I ate…you ready???…….scrambled eggs, french toast, breakfast potatoes, crisp bacon……apparently a picture was taken during this insane yumminess going on….and it looked like I was eating for 12.  It was SO good and it felt great to eat!!!!!

One more thing that has to be shared – I came home yesterday afternoon to a package from my very special friend (a beautiful woman – a pink warrior that shares the same battle as me) and a very close friend that my sister went to HS with…Jenn.  She sent me a goody package with all sorts of fun things in it:  false eyelashes AND eyebrows to name a few…and a beautiful card.  For every single thing Jenn – that you have done for me and sent to me and the strength and power you give me every single day- and the role model you are to Pink Warriors everywhere…THANK YOU.  I love you.

Cancer Sucks.  It is unbelievable how many people are dealing with this horrible disease but I pray every day that each “warrior” gets through it and NEVER GIVES UP because we truly are not alone.  NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.  Thanks for reading….love and light to EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU……xoxoxo